The Penis Whisperer

all hoomans are not created equally, and the variance in anatomy can be very great.

basically, if you are sick enough to be in the units, you get tubes stuck in pretty much every orifice the hooman body has. you can get intravenous lines, nasogastric lines, tubes in your throat (sometimes we'll cut a hole in your neck to get the tube in your throat), rectal tubes, and the famous retention catheter, or foley. who Mr. or Mrs. Foley was, i may never know, but thank goodness for him or her.

so, you get a tube in your urethra to collect your urine for you so you don't wet the bed or have to get up to pee.

problem numero uno; insertion.

there is some debate as to whether it is harder to insert one in men or women. you might be thinking, how hard can it be? plenty hard. women have anatomy that sags and hangs with age, so finding that little pee hole can be like hide'n'seek, and the older the patient, the harder the seek. men present their own challenges. not with finding the hole (that's usually on the end of penis), but with getting the foley past the prostate gland.

foley insertion should be a sterile process, and you usually end up designating one hand 'clean' and one hand 'dirty.' the first step is to clean the 'area.' for women that are particularly saggy, i like to do a preemptive find with a sterile q-tip. you find the pee hole using the q-tip, and leave it in, so that when you are ready, you just follow the line of the q-tip with your foley and viola! you are in. next, you prepare your stuff (and if you really want to know the particulars, you can go to nursing skool like i did), and use your dirty hand to either spread the lip or steady the shaft. then, you clean. then, you insert. if you are on the mark or the prostate gland is compliant, you should see a 'flash' of urine in your tube. victory is now yours.

the next step is inflating a small bladder on the end of the foley, the part that is inside the patients bladder. this (in theory) prevents the foley from being pulled out. ah, how i love theory.

anyway, finding the hole is the worst with women, and getting past the prostate is the worst with men.

unless you have The Penis Whisperer. good thing my floor has The Penis Whisperer. this nurse received this nickname with love and respect because there is no prostate on earth or saggy old lady anatomy that can thwart him. it is awesome to behold.

wonder what my super power will be?