Death with Dignity

there are worse things than death. like living after a stroke that takes away the complete function of one side of your body. seriously, what would that be like, to go from being active, healthy, going on cruises, going to football games, teaching piano lessons then-boom, next day. half of your body is gone. GONE. HALF.

wouldn't you want to stop breathing, too?

the next hardest thing would be being the spouse. i know that i married my best friend, how do you go from full speed to full stop on that progression? i hate seeing the spouses suffer, and can't imagine what it is that they go through. part of the reason that i started this web log, besides to hone my writing (not that it's really great or anything), is to give me a chance to reflect on what it is that i see on a daily basis in my work and give myself a chance to see things from the patient's side of the rabbit hole.

my shifts are so busy that i can't always stop and think about less emergent issues like loss of self or loss of partner when i'm (rightly) too concerned with loss of capture or shortness of breath. also, i'm a crier, and as much as crying with my patients might help them, it wouldn't help me. i hate it when my mascara runs.

okay, you're the spouse. your loved one went from fully functioning hooman being to not being able to track things to the left, not being able to feel when they had pooped, and being unable to breath on thier own. beloved also is in pain and discomfort, and obviously hating the breathing thingy. teaching kids doe-ray-me to having strangers clean you, poke you and prod you, shine lights in your eyes, ask you stoopid questions like, what's your name, sweetheart? when is your birthday? what is today? oh, close, yeah, it's january alright. great, oh you pooped again, great, let me get that for you.

how much time is enough time to wrap your head around this? how long before you can accept that when beloved says, 'i wanna die,' they mean it and in that moment, are ready to go?

1 day?

2 days?

never?

can you ever wrap your head around that? how do you prepare for that?

what can i, shiny new murse (male-nurse) do differently in my practice to be sensitive to the needs of my patients?

what do i do if the patient is telling me they want to die, but the husband or the kids keep asking me how long before beloved pulls through?

honey child, there's no pulling through this one.