Ready, Set,.......GI BLEED!

in case you've been living under a rock for the last few years or so, vampires are back in popular demand.
and there sure seem to be no sexier creatures than a voluptuous blood-sucking babe vampiressess.

personally, i'm all about Team Alice, presented here, for your viewing pleasure.

(this is Ashley Greene, the actress who portrays Alice in the Twilight series)

..........and we're back.

which leads me to this question; do vampires poop like GI bleeders do?

ha ha, ha, ho, oh boy, that was a good one nurse j, you're SO funny!

mokay, well, at least i think i'm funny.

see, the hooman GI (gastrointestinal, or gut) system is not designed to consume blood, specially not your own.

so, the other night, i had a GI bleeder.

there are several things that suck about GI bleeds.

first, the poop smells turrrrrrrible. not that poop generally smells good to begin with under the best of circumstances, but trust me, this is worse. if the bleed is above the small intestine, like in your esophagus or stomach, you will have dark tar like poop. and probably coffee ground barf. if it is in your lower interstines, or your large intestine, the poop-blood with still be horrible, just more parts blood than bloody poop. in either case, it smells. bad.

possible worse than the smell is the preparation. if it is a lower GI scope (insert scope into anus, have a look around), the patient gets to drink a gallon (4000 mls) of a delightful concoction called GoLYTELY. it is called this probably because it is full of electrolytes to help replace what you're gonna lose, since the other wonderful thing that GoLYTELY does is clean. you. out.

literally. we have to make you drink this stuff till you are pooping straight water out your behind.

'when the poop runs clear, bring that scope near.'

if you are unlucky enough to have a patient that is bed bound, you are looking at a night filled with multiple linen changes, because your patient is going to POOP. HIS. SMELLY. GUTS. OUT.

you should also be prepared for the awesome poop-running-off-of-the-bed-scenario.

if you have a patient that can walk, or sorta walk, then you are in for the 5 second 5 yard dash Olympics.

luckily, my GI bleeder was a walker. sort of. he was not a sexy female vampiressess though. i asked. maybe, under that old man exterior.....but no. just a legit old man bleeder.

anyways, over the course of the night, i sprinted to his room every time the call light rang. i had it down to a science. we had ditched the SCD's after the first run, and moved the bed closer to the crapper.

call lights rings, and i'm off. run into the room, pulling gloves on as i round the corner. he's already taking off the blood pressure cuff, and then i sleep the monitor, tear the blankets off, disconnect the leads and sat monitor, make sure the IV line was clear, then shuffle shuffle shuffle.

then, while he fills the room and the hall with the smell of freshly baked bread (i wish), i would change his chux and or his sheets, depending on how badly he leaked, as well as wipe up the floor.

then i would vacate the room for a few minutes to breathe, uh, i mean give him some privacy.

when he would ring again, i'd help him back into bed, make him drink more stuff, and then wait to do it all over again.

on the bright side, the more often he pooped, the less bad the smell was. either that or i was getting used to the smell and was that much closer to being dead inside.

ten trips. 1st poop; bloody hell!! 10th poop; clear. mission accomplished!

i hope they were able to fix what ever it was of his that was bleeding inside.